Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Spin Cycle: Love and Valentines Day

In my drunken days love meant a lot of physical affection..hugs, kisses, cuddling and of course sex. Trinkets of affection were the norm and were expected. With the lack of all this..I felt used, neglected and unloved.

I truly thought if my hubby didn't give me a passionate kiss or an extra long big hug or wanted to have sex with me at any moments notice or buy the trinkets to prove his love. That there was something wrong with our relationship. That he didn't love me.

It took a lot of years and getting off the bottle for me to realize these things are not necessary to know I am loved.

Hubby and I had a huge bump in the road of our relationship and that bump was me. My perception of what a relationship should have been was whacked out and soo far off of hubby's ideals. Mine was passion and sex and trinkets of affection, hubby's was friendship, companionship and being a team through this thing called life. Mine were short term and hubby's was long term.

Getting off the bottle helped my eyes to open, that my hubby tells me all the time that he loves me, not just with words but with the little things.
He's not a slob.
He's not abusive.
He's not a drunkard.
He helps me keep the house clean.
He does dishes on the weekends.
He works his tired old butt off to provide.
He doesn't go out spending money on trivial things.
We don't argue. In 18 years, he has only lost it 3 times.
He doesn't demand anything from me.
He makes me laugh all the time.
He takes care of all the auto stuff.
And he even takes out the trash.
There is more, but really we don't want to give him a huge head.

He of course, has his issues. NO, he is not a total saint.
When he is home the remote is under his control.
He wont go to the store for anything, not even a loaf of bread.
When he is on his way home, that is his only destination. He will not stop for any reason. This also applies to going anywhere, he must be told the agenda for the day. If it wasn't on the agenda, then it is not going to happen.
He hates doing the yard soo much, he would like to kill all the grass and pave the whole place over.
He is VERY slow about doing projects. At our old place, we designed and planned a nice porch, fifteen years later it still hadn't happened.
The list could go on and on...

We don't sleep in the same rooms anymore and cuddling is far and in between. We kiss, but I think we have forgotten what a french kiss is. The occasional hug is even more special than it ever was before. Sex is no longer a part of our lives and to tell you the truth, not having to deal with the old age effort, is one pressure we are happy to do without.

He has never bought'en me anything for Valentine's day, Anniversary or even my Birthday. It is not that he doesn't care, he just can't bring himself to going to the store (he has phobias). I do always get told Happy this or that, with a hug and a kiss and I love you.

I bought some flowers Saturday, came home and thanked him for them. If he had gone and got them..they would be no different, they would still be just as pretty. He (I) has excellent taste!!

Through all of his goods and bads, he never forgets to tell me he loves me before he goes to work (if I'm awake) or before he goes to bed.

Valentine's day has a different meaning in this house. For most all couples this is a time for love, romance and trinkets of affection. For us, it is his birthday! We almost always go to his mother's house to either..pick up his birthday cake and presents or to be at his birthday party.

I know we are a strange old couple, but we still love each other.

Happy Valentine's day everybody!!

For more great spins, go to Sprite's Keeper


Kaylen said... [Reply to comment]

Strange is fine-as long as it works for everyone involved, and it sounds like you guys have a good working relationship going on!

I have a friend and her husband has never bought her anything either...I don't get it, but we all have our "things." My thing is getting gifts. Lots and lots of gifts.
Ha-kidding (kinda)!!!

AND - speaking of gifts------- you won my keychain giveaway!!! Please email me asap. :)

Tinkerschnitzel said... [Reply to comment]

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's day, mostly because I've given up on me and hubby having a date night. Hubby still buys me stuff, but I don't care either way. I usually buy flowers at the store and thank him when I get home too. :)

Sprite's Keeper said... [Reply to comment]

If it works for you, then great! I've had an idea running around my head forever about our views of "normal". You love him, he loves you, the rest is just details. Some details are more important than others, who cares which ones they are? I applaud you! You're linked!

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Love every day is better than hearing it just one day! So glad you found real love!

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

I have to agree - my idea of romance is the everyday things my husband does for me - he would buy me whatever I want (within reason of course LOL) but I have no need of things. He takes care of me when I can't walk; puts up with my mecurial moods - he's there, he's my rock. Now THAT is romance and love.

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Congratulations: I have given you the SUNSHINE AWARD please come to my Blog to collect it
Gerardine Baugh

Jen said... [Reply to comment]

I was with you until you said no sex. If it works for you, though, that's what is important. I'm glad you worked it out.

Lucy said... [Reply to comment]

One of these days everyone is going to find out when the no sex thing is a good thing. We were reaching that point in our life anyway but once my husband had heart surgery it is impossible, and we don't miss it.

Maureen@IslandRoar said... [Reply to comment]

It sounds like you are happy and satisfied and that's what counts. I've been alone so long I could use some trinkets and affection and even sex. But being in it for the long haul is what counts!

Eric said... [Reply to comment]

Materialism is not the important part of a relationship for sure, and it sounds like you guys are happy and understand each other well.
But, huh? No sex? Whaa????

Heather said... [Reply to comment]

Kaylen...Thanks, it took us a long time to get here and it was well worth it.

Yeah, I won! Woohoo!!

Tink...It is so much fun giving him credit. It makes him happy.

Sprite's Keeper...Thanks. I wouldn't even know where to begin with the subject "Normal" LOL! I am such the opposite!

Suzicate...I agree! I'm just soo glad he was patient enough to wait for me to come to my senses.

Heather said... [Reply to comment]

Grace...Exactly! Now THAT is true romance and love!

Gerardine...Thanks for stopping by and being soo great to give me an award!

Jen...LOL! LOL! There will come at time when you will understand! Thanks for making me laugh!

Heather said... [Reply to comment]

Lucy...You totally get me. That was exactly what I was trying to write. Someday will come when sex wont be an option anymore, if from old age or from medical reasons. Then it is just two people who love and care for each other.

Maureen...I do hope that Mr Right will come along for you. You soo deserve someone special!

Eric...LOL! It happens even to the best of us. I'm just saying we don't anymore, we DID have our hayday!

Mama Badger said... [Reply to comment]

It sounds like you've got it figured out. Someone who sticks with you through thick and thin is really what counts. No baubles could ever replace real love. And he doesn't gripe or mock when you treat yourself to flowers? Yup, he's a keeper.

Happy Valentine's Day!

f8hasit said... [Reply to comment]

I could/would give up everything to have a hand to hold for the long term.
That's cool. And precious...and come to think of it, I'm now a little jealous.

Meghann said... [Reply to comment]

Very sweet to hear what a great husband my dad turned out to be...

Heather said... [Reply to comment]

Mama Badger...That is what counts. Well, I don't go and blow a lot of money for them either. Yup, he's a keeper alright.

f8hasit...Don't be jealous, it will happen for you someday.

Meg...It took lots of work on both our parts, but we have finally come to a great place in our lives. Your Dad is a sweetie and I am a very lucky lady.

VandyJ said... [Reply to comment]

Normal is what works for you and, hey, what you have worked out is normal for you. Happy Valentine's Day!

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said... [Reply to comment]

My cowboy has never bought me flowers and I'm perfectly ok with it. It sounds like you are going through this life as a team, and you're both happy with it. I'm young, so I can't picture life w/out sex; and maybe mine won't ever be that way! great spin!

CaJoh said... [Reply to comment]

Stopping by from the Spin Cycle…

So often I feel like I'm not doing enough affection, buying of gifts, etc. But hearing your story I know that I am sharing my love with my wife every day. It makes me know that love is not something materialistic, but something magical.

Thank you for sharing,

Kathryn said... [Reply to comment] two sound very happy and content with each other...and isn't that what it's all about?

Everyone has their own version of what they need in a relationship...and no-one has the right to tell you what's "right" or "wrong".