Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Morons Hurt too

When I met my hubby I was thrilled to know he had kids but then disappointed to learn that he wasn't in their lives. I had always secretly hoped that one day this would change. Slowly this did change with the oldest, found the son and then the youngest found hubby. Things were starting to look like somewhat of a family. Not so distant after all. I guess with my experience of an absent mother, then a dreaded step mom, I learned to keep to myself and have found it very difficult to extend that closeness that some want. I do have a huge tender spot for the grandkids but most of the time feel like I am a fake, imposter, unwanted extra family member. Honestly since I haven't birthed or raised any children, I am at a loss as to how to be or not to be. I know some parents, step parents and in laws that are all up in their grown kids business. I have always disliked that and well frankly wouldn't know how to be like that. With grown step kids, I honestly don't know them all that well. I guess I don't know how to get people to open up to me or vise versa for that matter. I want to but don't know how to be the "Pushy" one. I'm not the type to reach out and impose my presence onto a person and of course neither is my hubby. Hubby being an absentee father with all of his kids, doesn't know how to be any different than what he is. A laid back recluse or hermit if you will. He is the type that if he has something he needs to talk with you about then yes he will painstakenly use the blasted phone. He is not a sit on the phone chatting the day away kinda person. If "they" (anyone, not just the kids) want to talk to me then they would call. Heck he doesn't even call his own mother (who he loves dearly)! Unfortunately, this is the total opposite than want one wants. What they really want is their father and for him to be better than what he is. Sadly, he doesn't know how to be more than what he is and for some that is just not enough. I know that feeling all to well. My expectations for my birth mother were crushed and I hate to know that I am party to those feelings for one of his kids. BUT I got a hard lesson on how it feels to be on the side of not living up to expectations. Let's just say it hurts just as bad, if not worse. I "DO" understand the other side of it and totally agree we are morons on how to impose ourselves. Sorry I can't continue... Sigature,Heather


Paula said... [Reply to comment]

Oh Heather I bet you are cutting your self short. Good luck!

SueBee said... [Reply to comment]

Never blame yourself Heather....whatever happens! Be the comforter and the listener and most there for each other ...lotsa hugs xxxx